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January 25, 2012 at 8:00 pm #601978
munchkin22Member1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and
says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger’.
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
January 25, 2012 at 8:16 pm #745875
JanSParticipantyou are bad, bad, bad :D
January 25, 2012 at 10:08 pm #745876
tom kelleyParticipantThank you, munchkin 22.
January 25, 2012 at 10:18 pm #745877
lindaParticipantROFL, thanks for the afternoon laugh, here’s some more:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel..
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
“But why,” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because,” he said. “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named ‘Ahmal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain,they name him ‘Juan.’ Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re identical twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) … a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
January 25, 2012 at 11:14 pm #745878
JanSParticipantlinda..thanks…I needed that laugh :)
January 25, 2012 at 11:38 pm #745879
DBPMemberPennsylvania wisdom: If you see a horse and buggy outside the tavern, there’s something a-mish.
January 25, 2012 at 11:58 pm #745880
kootchmanMemberOne can never go hungry in the desert, all one has to do is eat the sand which is there. ( I did it, I solved world hunger!!! talk about a productive day!)
January 26, 2012 at 12:29 am #745881
DBPMemberknock knock
January 26, 2012 at 1:15 am #745882
miwsParticipantWho’s there?
January 26, 2012 at 1:16 am #745883
miwsParticipantJanuary 26, 2012 at 1:19 am #745884
DBPMemberJanuary 26, 2012 at 1:58 am #745885
JulieMemberA neutron walks into a bar, and asks, “How much for a drink”? The bartender says, “For you, no charge.”
January 26, 2012 at 2:22 am #745886
JanSParticipantAllah who?
January 26, 2012 at 2:27 am #745887
KatherineLParticipantSpeaking of atoms, Julie, did you read about the atom smashing experiment where the neutrinos seem to have gone faster than light? They recorded them at the end before they started out. It’s given rise to a new bar joke:
“We don’t serve your kind in here.”
A neutrino walks into a bar.
January 26, 2012 at 2:32 am #745888
DBPMemberJanuary 26, 2012 at 2:34 am #745889
DBPMemberJanuary 26, 2012 at 5:27 am #745890
miwsParticipantJanuary 26, 2012 at 6:32 am #745891
JanSParticipantDBP…your last one was..subtle…and bad :)~
January 26, 2012 at 8:58 pm #745892
JanSParticipantcrime is getting out of hand here…two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted..
January 26, 2012 at 9:20 pm #745893
DBPMemberA Catholic, a Protestant, and a Jew walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this . . . some kind of joke?”
January 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm #745894
JulieMemberJanuary 27, 2012 at 11:01 pm #745895
JulieMemberAnd if you liked that, you’ll probably also enjoy:
A bar walks into a physicist. Oops! Wrong frame of reference!
January 28, 2012 at 5:36 am #745896
miwsParticipantSeveral years ago, there was an issue with geese out at Green Lake nipping joggers and walkers.
This resulted in one particular goose getting a chapped beak.
So, he waddles into a local pharmacy, and explains his problem to the Pharmacist. The Pharmacist retrieves an extra large Chap-Stick for the goose, and asks; “Will that be cash, today?” To which the goose replies; “No, just put it on my bill.“
Mike
January 30, 2012 at 4:59 pm #745897
DBPMemberClairvoyant walks into a bar, and the bartender goes, “What’ll you have?”
The clairvoyant says, “I knew you were going to ask me that.”
February 2, 2012 at 6:55 pm #745898
DBPMemberA weird-looking guy in a trenchcoat walks into a bar. In his hand, he carries a tattered book titled Universal Sports Almanac for 2013.
“I’m from the future,” the stranger announces, “and I came back for one last drink before they ban liquor in this town.”
The bartender looks the guy over skeptically and says, “Oh yeah? Well, if you’re from the future, maybe you can tell me how the Mariners are gonna do this year.”
Just then, a guy whose been sitting quietly in a dark corner nursing a beer, shouts out: “I’m from the present, and I’ll tell you exactly what those bums are gonna do. They’re gonna lose every goddam game!”
Startled, the man in the trenchcoat wheels around and squints into darkened corner.
“Jiggers? Is that you?”
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